



COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY HAROLD ROOR8ACH 



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1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A c6mic drama in two acts. Six 

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A CASE FOR EVICTION 

. A COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT 
BY 

S. THEYRE SMITH 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the 
Original Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Cast of the Characters, Argument of the Play, 
Time of Representation, Scene and Property 
Plots, Diagram of the Stage Setting, Sides 
of Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions of the Performers, Explana- 
tion of the Stage Directions, 
etc., and all of the stage 
Business. 



Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. 




NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



\ 










A CASE FOR EVICTION 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



St. James' Theatre, 

London, 

Dec. jyth, 1883. 

FRANK Mr. Alexander. 

Dora Miss Linda Dietz. 

Mary (a servant} ' Miss Whitty. 

Time of Representation — Thirty Minutes. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

A young husband and wife having formed the acquaintance of Major 
O'Golly, a companionable Irish gentleman, invite him to spend a few days 
with them, which invitation he accepts and settles himself for weeks instead, 
making himself unpleasantly at home in spite of his hosts' numerous sugges- 
tions that their only spare-room is needed for other guests. The young 
couple are in despair that their first year of married life should be made so 
miserable, for this man's presence is a constant bone of contention and the 
wife is sorely vexed that her husband does not do something to get rid of 
their guest ; but he reminds her of the delicacy of his position ;— that he is 
a young physician anxious for practice, and that the Major's ill-will might 
do him infinite harm ; so they must bear with him until he chooses to go. 
But finally when the maid-servant threatens to leave in consequence of 
the Major's familiarity the husband determines to find out definitely when 
he intends to leave, but is met with one of the Irishman's funny stories and 
made helpless with laughter, to the disgust of his wife, who declares that 
she shall tell their guest plainly to go. The Major's gift for pathos proves 
as great as his fund of humor; arid he soon has the tender-hearted woman 
crying bitterly and she leaves him without carrying out her design. Relief 
comes with the unexpected arrival of Mrs. Major O'Golly whose pres- 
ence has the effect of sending her lord out of the house in a most stealthy 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 3 

manner and she is not slow to follow. The door is ordered to be locked 
and chained ; but before it is done two welcome guests arrive, and so glad 
to see them are the husband and wife that they hope they will stay until 
they think it another Case for Eviction. 

COSTUMES. 

Morning dress for Frank and Dora. Print gown, white cap, linen 
collar and cuffs for Mary. 

PROPERTIES. 

Furniture as per scene plot. Letters, bell, writing materials, stationery 
case, stethoscope, books, etc., on table, r. Books on book-case up l. 
Flowers in vase, and lady's fancy work on small table, L. Cornet off stage. 
Newspaper for Dora. Two letters, visiting card and telegram for Mary 
to bring in on a salver. 

STAGE SETTING AND SCENE PLOT. 




Window Sofa J) 00r 





Scene. — Fancy chamber boxed in 3c, backed with corridor backing in 
4c Doors c. and l. 3 E. Window r. 3 e. Sofa up R., book-case up l., 
against flat. Small table L., with arm chair R. of it. Large writing table 
r., with revolving chair R. of it and small chair L. of it. Fireplace at l. i e. 
Carpet down. 

N. B. Set scenery is not essential to the action, and may be dispensed 
with if preferred. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience, r., means 
right; l., left; c, centre; r. c, right of centre; L. c, left of centre; D. 



r 



4 A CASE FOR EVfCTlON'. 

f., door in the flat or back scene; R. f., right side of the flat; L. F., left 
side of the flat; R. d., right door; l. D., left door; C. D., centre door; I E., 
first entrance; 2 e., second entrance; U. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 g., 
first, second or third grooves ; up stage, towards the back ; down stage, 
towards the footlights. 



R. 



R. C. 



L. C. 



L. 



Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book 
protected by copyright. 





A CASE FOR EVICTION. 



Scene. — A doctor s consulting room ; large pedestal writing table, R., 
with writing materials, stationery case, stethoscope, books, &*c ; 
door, c ; door, u. e. l. ; window, u. e. r. ; bookcase with books 
against l. f. ; fireplace, ie.l. ; sofa against R.fiat; small table, 
L., with lady s easy chair R. of it ; vaseforfloiverson L. table; 
lady s work on L. table ; revolving library chair R. ofR. table. 

Frank and Dora enter from C. door. 

Frank. But, my dear Dolly, don't lay all the blame upon me. 
(sits R. ofR. table, and begins to open his letters) 

Dora, (sitting, L.) But, my dear Frank, where am I to lay it? 

Frank, (impatiently) Why should you lay it anywhere ? 

Dora. Because I will not consent to bear it myself. 

Frank. You ought to bear your share of it, at any rate. 

Dora. Why, you cannot say, Frank, that / asked this man 
here. 

Frank. If you did not ask him, you agreed to my doing so. 

Dora. I ! what did I say ? 

Frank. You said you knew he would be pleased to come. 

Dora. Did I ? I wish I knew when he would be pleased to go. 
Is there no way of getting the odious creature out of the house? 
Couldn't you speak to the landlord or something? 

Frank. The landlord ! what business is it of the landlord's ? 

Dora. Well, I thought fixtures were the landlord's business. 

Then couldn't you — couldn't you Oh, Frank ! why did you 

ask him to stay here? (opens newspaper) 

Frank. Oh, dear ! That eternal question ! I wonder how often 
you have asked me that in the last month ? 

Dora. A good many times, I dare say, for it has been the longest 
month I ever knew. Why did you, love? 

Frank. W T hat is the use of asking questions like that? Do you 
want the whole history repeated daily? That we met Major 
O'Golly at Buxton, and that we found him such a pleasant com- 
panion 



6 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

Dora. Don't say we, dear. 

Frank, [louder) Such a pleasant companion that we asked 
him 

Dora. You mean you, love. 

Frank, [angrily) That we asked him to stay with us for a few 
days. 

Dora. And he has stayed a few weeks. 

Frank. I know that, don't I? 

Dora. And how much longer is he going to stay ? 

Frank. How on earth can I tell? 

Dora, [rises) But, Frank, it's unbearable. This dreadful Irish- ' 
man establishes himself in our best bedroom, makes my drawing- 
room his sitting-room, criticises my poor little dinners, interferes 
with my servants, has a latch-key and keeps what hours he pleases, 
turns night into day and day into night, Sundays into week days 
and — no, never week days into Sundays — [crosses to R. table) Of 
all the dreadful creatures to have in a house ! — Oh, Frank ! Do — 
do get him out ! 

Frank, (r. of R. table) My darling, how can I ? I can't use 
actual physical force ; and as for hints and suggestions and so 
forth, I've simply exhausted the whole language of innuendo with- 
out moving an eyelid of him, or only an eyelid, for he turns every- 
thing off with a wink, and then [smiling as if at the recollection) it's 
difficult to say anything more, for he's a wonderfully funny fellow, 
there's no doubt of that, nuisance as he is in a house. 

Dora. I don't think him funny at all. If there is anything 
wonderful in him it is a pathetic gift he has — a power of working 
on your feelings and all that. But he is odious altogether, [rises; 
sits on chair, l. ) 

Frank, [rising and half sitting on R. table) Well, I've done all I 
can, but he won't take a hint. When I told him that I wanted 
Jack Trevor to stay a short time, with us, only we had not another 
room 

Dora, (^jl.) I remember, he said "Sure an these small 
houses break your heart entohely." [aside) It kept out Mr. Trevor 
though, which was a mercy, [aloud] And don't you remember, 
Frank, when I told him quite plainly that I expected my cousin 
Sophie Crumples, and that she would want to go into his room 

Frank. I recollect; said he should be " deloighted." [aside) It 
blocked out Sophie Crumples, however, and that was worth 
anything. 

Dora. Ah ! odious creature ! Oh Frank ! Can't you do some- 
thing ? 

Frank. Do something ! My dear Dora, do consider the delicacy 
of my position; [gets to c.) that I'm a young doctor waiting for 
patients — who don't come, confound them! — and how very par- 
ticular I have to be to offend no one. This fellow might do me a 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 7 

lot of harm if he liked. So let us bear with him as best we can 
till he chooses to go. He can't stay for ever. Where is he now ? 

Dora. That's just what I'm dying to tell you. Where do you 
think ? 

Frank. If you are dying to tell me why do you ask me to guess? 
Smoking in the drawing-room? 

Dora. Not this morning. 

Frank. Lecturing the servants? 

Dora. Not just now. 

Frank. Speaking to the cook about the dinner? 

Dora. Oh! he has done that already. 

Frank, {impatiently) Where is he then? 

Dora. In bed. 

Frank, [astonished) In 

Dora, {sharply) Bed. 

Frank. In bed! at this hour! one o'clock! Why, he was at 
breakfast. He must be ill. I had better go to him. He may 
want {as if to go) 

Dora, {rises) Frank ! You would never try to cure him if he 
were ill — would you? You would never stop the only way by 
which we can hope to get rid of him ? 

Frank. What do you mean ? 

Dora. Well, it is the only way. He will never go as long as he 
is alive, I'm sure. 

Enter, Mary, c. 

Mary. Please, ma'am, the Major's calling for seltzer water and 
brandy. 

Dora. There ! The house might be an inn. 

Frank, (r. of k. table) Well, you know where they are. 

Exit, Mary, c. 

Dora. What ! he is to have it, is he ? [sits, l. ) 

Frank. My love, we can't deny him the common necessaries of 
existence, {sits on table, r.) 

Dora, {at work) The necessaries of existence ! Well, I wonder 
what you would have said if some friend of mine — if Sophie Crum- 
ples, for instance — had come and occupied the house as this wretch 
of yours has done. 

Frank, {aside) I'll be hanged if Sophie Crumples ever has the 
chance. 

Dora. She might have gone to bed at one o'clock, I suppose. 

Frank. Whatever hour she went it would have been all one to 
me. (re-enter Mary, c.) Well, what is it now ? 

Mary, (c.) Major O'Golly says, sir, that on second thoughts he 
should prefer whiskey. (Dora laughs ironically) 

Frank. Well, well, well— take it Win, Exit, Mary. 

Dora, {sarcastically) Do all your friends require spirits in a 
morning, Frank? 



8 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

Frank. You'll know when Jack Trevor comes what my real 
friends are like. 

Dora, [aside) If I am to wait till then I shall never know. Mr. 
Trevor shall never stay here, [aloud) " He should prefer whiskey." 
I think it's disgusting. 

Frank. So it is ; no doubt it is — or would be in an Englishman. 
But these Irishmen — whiskey's mother's milk to them. 

Dora. Indeed ! It's more like being brought up by the bottle, I 
think. And you may say what you like, P>ank, about the neces- 
sity of not offending him because you're a doctor, but how you 
can expect patients to come when you have such a man as this in 
the house, I don't know. 

Frank, (r. of R. table) Why, how should he prevent them? I 
dare say the public take him for a patient. They see him at the 
door daily. They must suppose he comes here for something. 

Dora. But they can't suppose he came here for good. A patient ! 
He doesn't look a bit like a patient. 

Frank, (gets to C.) Pooh! Dolly! How should you know what 
a patient looks like ? 

Dora, (bitterly) How should I, indeed — in this house? 

Frank. You need not sneer at me for my ill-success, Dora, at 
any rate. 

Dora, (rises) No, no, my darling ! I did not mean it for a 
moment. But this dreadful man ! I am so vexed I don't know 
what I say. 

Frank. Vexed ! and who isn't vexed? (savagely) I am so vexed 
I should like to kick somebody. 

Dora, (coaxingly) Well, why not, dear! I dare say he would 
go then. 

Frank. Hang it ! You can't kick a man in your own house. 

Dora. No, but I mean kick him out of the house, Frank. 

Re-enter, Mary, c. 

Mary. Oh dear! oh dear! Please ma'am, is there any Polly 
Nary water? 

Dora. What? 

Mary. Polly Nary water, ma'am. Major O'Golly savs he's 
been thinking it over again, and he'd sooner have Polly Nary 
water with his whiskey. There's more "go" in it ma'am, the 
Major says. 

Dora. Oh, then for mercy's sake, let him have some, Frank. 

Frank, (r. of R. table) There is none. Tell him there is no 
Apollinaris water ; and that if seltzer water won't do, I'm afraid he 
must go without. 

Mary. Yes, sir. Exit, c. 

Dora. Frank! listen! I've got an idea. (Frank^AC.) I know 
how to make him go. Borrow money of him. 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 9 

Frank. Eh? By Jove! Dolly, that's a good notion. We've 
never tried that at any rate. Yes. Where is some paper ? [sits R. 

of table r. ) It might [writes) " Dear O'Golly . . . could 

. . . oblige me infinitely . . sorry to trouble you . . . 
would you mind lending me five pounds? . . . forgive this 

. . . " There! (re-enter, Mary, C.) Ah! I just want you. 
Take this to Major O'Golly and wait for an answer, {folding note) 

Mary. Yes, sir, but — this note from the Major. 

Frank. Eh? 

Mary. And I was to wait for an answer to that. 

Frank. Oh — just open it, Dolly, will you, while I finish this? 
( directing en v elope ) 

Dora, {opens note) The wretch ! 

Frank. Eh ? {reprovingly, with a glance towards Mary) My 
dear ! 

Dora. Well! who could help it? Just listen, {reads) " My dear 
boy, lend me a tr^ner and make me your slave for life. I'll pay 
you again in no time." I suspect that's true enough. Then 
here's some Latin, {reads) " ' Bis dat qui cito dat,' which means, 
send it in two fivers and be quick about it." {indignantly) It 
doesn't, does it, Frank? 

Frank. Of course it doesn't. Confound the impudent bog- 
trotting 

Dora, {reprovingly, with a glance at Mary) My love ! 

Frank. Well, I only meant — {to Mary) My compliments to 
Major O'Golly. and I'm sorry I can't oblige him. {tears his own 
note) 

Mary. Yes, sir. And if you please, ma'am, I should wish to 
give warning. 

Dora. (l. o/k. table) Very well. I'm not surprised to hear it. 
I expect all the servants will give warning, and I can't complain 
if they do. 

Frank. What on earth do you want to leave for ? 

Mary. I'm very sorry, sir, but — my health is not strong, and 
Major O'Golly he — he wants so much attendance, and 

Dora. Of course — of course. You see, my dear — {to Mary) 
Very well. {Mary going) 

Frank, {passes behind table to door, c.) Stop, Mary! don't be 
silly — I'm going to speak to Major O'Golly now. He is in his 
bedroom, I think ? 

Mary. No ; just gone into the drawing-room, sir. 

Frank. Very good — I shall be back directly, Dora. 

Dora. Oh ! my dear, you will find out 

Frank. I am determined to have a distinct answer when he 
means to go ! Exit, C. 

Dora. Oh, dear Frank ! Be firm ! {gets to R. of*, table) 



IO A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

Mary, (c.) I'm very sorry, ma'am. I'm sure till the Major 
came I had no cause to complain of my place at all. 

Dora. There's no explanation necessary. I tell you I think you 
are quite right to leave. Your work must be double what 

Mary. Oh ! it isn't the work. I'm not afraid of work, ma'am. 

Dora. Not of fair work, I'm sure. But the trouble Major 
O'Golly gives must 

Mary. Oh ! I don't mind the trouble, ma'am. 

Dora. I don't quite understand, then — I think 

Mary. Well, ma'am, you see — it isn't — now master's gone I can 
tell you — it isn't the work. The Major's too free, ma'am. Yes, 
ma'am, kissing the servants and all that. 

Dora, {horrified} Kissing! You don't mean that he has dared 

Mary. Oh ! yes, ma'am — he's dared it a long time, but he done 
it this morning. 

Dora, [in consternation) Well ! And whom did he kiss ? 

Mary. Me, ma'am! Yes, ma'am. I'd no ^sooner taken the 
wire off the seltzer-water, and was struggling with the cork, than 
the Major — he seized the opportunity, ma'am. 

Dora. It's shameful ! it's horrible! You should have told your 
master this before he went to speak to Major O'Golly. 

Mary, [bashfully) Yes, ma'am! But one doesn't like to men- 
tion such things before gentlemen — and they only laugh, I've 
noticed. They don't seem to think so much of them as we do. 

Dora. It's too disgusting — when my husband hears of this he — 
[laughter heard offR. c.) What's that ? 

Mary. That's the Major laughing, ma'am. He is a funny gen- 
tleman and that's true. 

Dora. Funny ! Ah ! your master is insisting on his going and the 
horrid creature is trying to laugh it off. [laugh of two voices) 

Mary. Aren't they both laughing it off, ma'am? 

Dora. No, surely, [laugh) Yes — ah! they must have arranged 
it all with good humor then. Well, that is better, no doubt' Run 
away, Mary ; they may want you to call a cab, perhaps. (exit, 
Mary, c.) He must have consented to go; and if he has there 
will be no necessity for my mentioning his disgusting behavior. 
Frank would be furious, I'm sure. I cannot understand the way 
men treat women, [rises, crosses to L.) Look at Frank's friend, Mr. 
Trevor, the way he behaved to Sophie Crumples — simply deserted 
her because — just because — well, he knew she didn't mean it. He 
knew perfectly well that he had only to ask again. Ah ! I hate 
him. He shall never come to this house, I'm determined. Major 
O'Golly is bad enough — makes my life miserable, and — [gets to 
table,!,. Frank re-enters, laughing, C.) Oh, my darling ! [running 
to him) Is he going ? 

Frank, [seated h. of K. table) Eh? [speaking through suppressed 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. II 

laughter) He is the most amusing fellow I ever met. I declare 
he'd make a cow laugh. 

Dora. Yes, dear, he's very amusing indeed. When does he go ? 

Frank, {absently) What? [through laughter) He has a story 
ready for every possible contingency that simply makes you ill 
with laughing. 

Dora. Yes, dear, I know. When does he go? 

Frank, [absently) H'm ! [through laughter) What a face it is, 
by Jove ! There is a cock of the eye that begins with half a 
wink, and develops into [laughing) 

Dora. Frank ! When does he go ? 

Frank. H'm? What? Eh? Oh! Go? I don't know. 

Dora, [indignant surprise) You don't know ! 

Frank. No, he made me laugh so that I couldn't think of his 
going. 

Dora. Do you mean he is to remain ? 

Frank. No, no ; of course not. 

Dora. Then, Frank, when is he going ? 

Frank. Upon my word, my dear, I can't say. I suppose he'll 
stay a short time longer. 

Dora. Then you mean to say you didn't send him off? 

Frank. No ! He sent me off. [laughing) 

Dora, [walks to L. c, and back to c, annoyed) I declare, Frank, 
I did not think you were so weak. I did not think that when you 
had fairly made up your mind about a thing you would be diverted 
from your purpose by a wretched joke. However, you will have 
to make him go now, for since you went, something has come to 
my ears that makes it impossible for him to remain longer under 
the same roof with me. 

Frank, [rising) What on earth do you mean ? 

Dora. Why — but you must promise me not to be violent about 
it. You must promise me, Frank. 

Frank. Why can't you say what you mean ? If it is anything to 
be violent about I certainly won't promise. 

Dora. No, no, it isn't. 

Frank. Then what's the good of my promising? Now, hang it 
all, what is it, Dora ? 

Dora. Well, my dear, if you'll be quite calm, he — now be patient, 
Frank! — he — Major O'Golly, you know — I declare I'm almost 
ashamed to mention it — but he—Oh, Frank ! — [in a low, horrified 
tone) he kisses the servants ! 

Frank, [indifferently) Oh! [dropping into chair, R.) That all? 
Ha! ha! 

Dora. That all ! — and you can laugh ! 

Frank, [still grinning) No, no. I didn't laugh, did I ? 

Dora. Yes, you did, and you're laughing now. Why, I think 
his conduct is disgusting. 



12 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

Frank. So it is — so no doubt it is — at least it would be in an 
Englishman; but these Irishmen, somehow they are different. 

Dora. Different ! Ain't they to behave themselves properly ? 

Frank. Upon my word, Dolly, I don't know. 

Dora. But in the house, Frank. 

Frank. In the House ! Nay, by George ! that's where they 
behave worst of all. 

Dora. I don't know what you mean. But, of course, you will 
speak to him about this ? 

Frank, (rises) I declare I can't, Doll. I should laugh. 

Dora. Then, if you won't, I will. 

Frank. All right. You will do it far better than I should. 

Dora. I shall tell him plainly that he must go. (goes up C. door) 

Frank. Do, and I wish you all success, (as she is going) Take 
care he don't make you laugh. 

Dora. Make me laugh? I am not so weak. Exit, C. 

Frank. Weak ! Ha ! ha ! Weak for laughing at a witty thing ! 
(rising and walking room) Women have no more sense of humor 
than a Highlander. Is it the petticoat that does it, I wonder? 
They are all the same. Look at that cousin of hers, Sophie Crum- 
ples. Did any one ever tell that girl a story without her saying at 
the end of it, "And did so and so do so and so?" She has not 
the sense to see the point of the story, you know, and so wonders 
why you stop there. By Jove! how I hate that girl ! I always 
disliked her, but the way she treated Jack Trevor was unpardon- 
able ! leading him on, and leading him on, and then when he pro- 
posed — Bah ! it's too disgusting. No ! sooner than she should 
be a guest in my house I — (glancing out of the window) By Jove ! 
a telegraph boy ! (knock at front door) Yes, by all that is fortunate. 
Is the luck turned at last? How delighted Dolly will be ! A 
summons to the country perhaps, (goes to door) Here you are, 
Mary ! Bring it in quick, {gets R. ofR. table) 

Mary appears at door. 

Mary. What in, sir? 

Frank. Why, the telegram. You've got a telegram there, 
haven't you ? 

Mary. Yes, sir ; for Major O'Golly. 

Frank. For Major ! Oh! Oh, very well! all right, (exit 

Mary, c. ; he crosses to fire-place l.) This fellow is a perfect curse. 
All my letters and telegrams are for him. How can a man get on 
when the very means of communication with the outer world are 
closed against him by this pernicious son of Erin ? Ah me ! 
another morning gone and nothing done. What's come to all the 
patients? Is the world grown healthier all of a sudden — or only 
wiser? Confound this O'Golly ! My home is not my own. I'm 
a sort of major domo, my wife a mere housekeeper to this inso- 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 13 

lent intruder, who (Dora re-enters, C, kerchief to her eyes) 

You are laughing ! 

Dora. (R. C.) I'm not, I'm c — c — crying. 

Frank. Why? What for? What's the matter now? 

Dora. Oh, Frank ! He — he touched me. 

Frank. Touched you ! Has he had the audacity ( springing 

up furious) 

Dora. No — no, I don't mean that. Affected me, I mean. 

Frank. Oh ! I see W 7 ell, will he go ? 

Dora, {absently) Eh? {in a tearful voice) Oh! how he has suf- 
fered ! (sits L. ofR. ladle) 

Frank. Has he, indeed? Will he go? 

Dora, [absently) What? (as before) And how nobly he has borne 
it! 

Frank. Oh! no doubt. Will he go? (l. <t/"Dora) 

Dora, (absently) H'm, dear? (as before) So patiently and 
bravely. 

Frank, (forcibly) Will he go? 

Dora. What, dear? H'm? Eh? Oh. . . . Go? I don't 
know. 

Frank, (gets to fireplace) You don't know ? 

Dora. No! he — he — (in tears) Oh, Frank! (he gets close on her 
L.) He told me about his mother, (leans her head on Frank's 
breast) 

Frank. About his mother! Did you allow him to talk you 
round after all your fine speeches? Do you mean to say that you 
didn't tell him to go after all? 

Dora. How could I when I was crying ? 

Frank. Crying? Well, this is as feeble a piece of work as ever 
I heard of. 

Dora. It was no feebler than your own. You couldn't tell him 
either. 

Frank. No ; because he made me laugh so confoundedly, (gets 
to fire) 

Dora. Well ! and he made me cry so — so bitterly. 

Frank. Ay, ay ; but that's different. If I had laughed when I 
told him to go he'd have seen I wasn't serious. But if you had 
cried when you told him to go, he'd have known you weren't 
joking. 

Dora. Not at all ; if I had cried when I told him to go, he would 
have thought I was sorry for his going. But if you had laughed 
when 

Frank. Nonsense! (gets to fireplace, l.) 

Dora. It isn't nonsense, Frank. The nonsense was ever invit- 
ing such a person to the house. 

Frank. I wonder how often you are going to tell me that? The 
fellow's here and there's an end of it. 



14 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

Dora. The fellow's here and there's no end of it. {bitterly; sits 
L. of R. table) Well, I did not think that in the first year of my 
married life I should have been so dreadfully miserable. I did 
suppose that I should have been mistress of my own house at any 
rate. 

Frank, (sits l. c.) Do be reasonable, Dolly ; you are just as 
much mistress of it as I am master. 

Dora, (coldly) That is no consolation. 

Frank. Now, let us have no more of this. It was a rash thing 
to do, I confess, asking him here, (gets to her side ; louder, to drown 
interruption) Yes, I confess it, 1 say, so let us have no more 
recrimination. Let us rather think how we are to get rid of the 
incubus. 

Dora, (rises) Why not lend him the money he wanted — or give 
it him, if he'll go ? I suppose it would be much the same thing. 

Frank. Oh, it would be quite the same thing. 

Dora. He'd take it, I dare say. 

Frank. Oh, he'd take it, I'm certain. 

Dora. Well, then, I'm sure it would be well worth ten pounds to 
get rid of him. 

Frank. Yes, but — ten. pounds ! 

Dora, (querulously) Well, Frank, perhaps he'd go for less. 

Frank. More likely come for more. 

Dora. But if he took the money and didn't go he would be a 
cheat; though, of course, he is that already. A mere chevalier 
d y Industrie — a man who lives by his wits. 

Frank, (impatiently) What do you mean by living by his wits? 

Dora. Why, living by other persons' folly. If you hadn't invited 
him here 

Frank, (angrily) Again! (a loud rap at front door) 

Dora, (jumping up) Oh ! Frank ! A patient ! (running to win- 
dow) 

Frank, (nervously eager) Think it is ? What's it like? A he or a 
she? Can you make it out? I wish i knew what was going to be 

the matter with him — with her — with (runs to book-case, takes 

out book, turns over leaves) I could just glance at the treatment 
before 

Dora, (at window) I can see a bit of an umbrella. 

Frank. An umbrella! Hum! no diagnosing a case from an 
umbrella ! Male or female, do you think ? 

Dora, (at window) Female, I think. 

Frank, (turning leaves hurriedly) Hysterics — vapors — unreason- 
able fancies. 

Dora. No, no — it's a man — I can see one of its ribs. 

Frank. See his ribs ! ( turning leaves) Emaciation — wast- 
ing 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 15 

Dora, [coming from window with jumps of joy) He's let in! he's 
let in ! 

Frank. Hush! hush ! or he'll hear. Hush ! while she is show- 
ing him into the waiting-room. I wish with all my soul I knew 
what was the matter with him. 

Dora, [in great delight) Shall I run away, Frank? 

Frank. Don't you be in a hurry, my love. Let him suppose I 
am engaged with another patient. When you do go you might 
just open and then bang the- front door, you know, [gets R. of 
table) 

Dora. I know, [peeping through door) Oh, Mary! (Mary 
appears at door with card ) Who is it ? 

Mary. Mr. Feargus O' Toole, ma'am. 

Dora, [excitedly) Mr. Feargus O' Toole, Frank. 

Frank. Mr. Feargus O'Toole ! [takes card) 

Dora. (/bMARY) He's in the waiting-room, of course ? 

Mary. No, ma'am ; in the drawing-room. 

Dora. In the drawing-room ! Why did you 

Mary. Because he is come to see Major O'Golly, ma'am. 

Dora. \ f ^ M ^^A Come to see 

Frank. \ ^gether) Come tQ see 

Mary. Major O'Golly, ma'am. Exit, c. 

Dora. I wish Major O'Golly were at the bottom of the Red Sea. 
[falling into chair in angry disappointment) 

Frank. I wish Major O'Golly had got — Glanders! Of all the 
heart-breaking trades that ever were invented this doctoring is the 
worst. Isn't it disgusting, Dolly ? 

Dora. Disgusting ! I believe the man will drive me mad. 
Visitors coming to him now ! 

Frank. Yes, but I meant — I suppose, as far as visitors are con- 
cerned, as long as he's in the house we can't grumble at his 
friends coming to see him. 

Dora. Not when they come knocking at the door like patients? 
and I dare say haven't a guinea in the world. 

Frank. Then it's a good thing they are not patients. I've had 
enough of giving advice for nothing. Hang the fellow ! What are 
we to do ? 

Dora. Don't ask me. I've had enough of giving advice for 
nothing too. If he has other friends why doesn't he go and stay 
with them ? 

Frank. I don't know. I know nothing about O'Golly's friends, 
and don't want to. [gets R. of "r. table) 

Dora. Perhaps not. But no doubt you'll have to. 

Re-enter, Mary, c. 
Mary. Major O'Golly's compliments, ma'am, and [slowly, as if 



1 6 A CASE FOR E FICTION. 

repeating a lesson) he's taken the liberty of asking — his tried friend, 
Mr. Feargus O'Toole — of Ballyboroo, County Galway — to lunch. 

Dora. I said so. {decidedly) Give my compliments to Major 
O' Golly, and say that I am very sorry, but 

Frank, {crossing to Dora) No, no — stop, Dolly. Hang it! We 
can't refuse, for the credit of the house, to give his friend a slice 
of cold meat and — [to Mary) Give your mistress's compliments 
( Dora makes a gesture of contemptuous resignation) and say that 
we shall be happy to see Mr. — what's his confounded name? — at 
luncheon, {gets to R.) 

Mary. Yes, sir. Exit, C. 

Frank, {as Dora is going off in contemptuous silence) Are you 
going, Dolly ? 

Dora. If you don't object, Frank. I'm going to my room. 

Frank. Going to your room ? 

Dora. Yes — I cannot meet this man. I really cannot. I know 
that I am bound to obey you in all things — I vowed to do it ; and 
though when I took you for my husband I did not understand that 
there was to be an Irishman thrown in, yet I have no thought of 
being worse than my word. But I do entreat you not to insist 
upon my meeting this man. 

Frank. I don't insist upon it at all. If you please to absent your- 
self, I will make your excuses. 

Dora. Thank you, Frank, {a sob, and exit, u. E. l.) 

Frank, {after a moody silence) This fellow is sapping the foun- 
dations of my married happiness. Confound it! That a man's 
home should be ruined by his wife's falling in love with another 
fellow and preferring his society is legitimate enough — I mean is 
— well ! there are several precedents for it ; one knows where one 
is, and it is, at any rate, a comprehensible state of affairs. But 
that a man's peace should be annihilated by his wife's hating 
another fellow, and loathing the sight of him — hang it ! there's no 
sense in it — there's no comfort, no compensating advantage in it 

anywhere, no 

Re-enter, Dora, door, L. 

Dora. Oh, Frank ! 

Frank, {gets to R. c.) Well, Doll? what now ! Any more mis- 
fortunes ? 

Dora. Oh, Frank ! 

Frank. Yes, yes ? 

Dora. What do you think he has had the face to ask now ? 

Frank. Who? O'Golly ? {gets to R. C. ) Nay, goodness knows. 
His face is a perfect note of interrogation and would ask anything. 
What ? 

Dora. He came out oi the drawing-room just as I passed the 
door, and he had the impudence, the insolence, the audacity, 
the 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. \y 

Frank. Yes, go on. Never mind the particulars. The audacity 
to — what ? 

Dora. To ask me whether we could give his friend, Mr. OToole, 
a bed to-night. 

Frank. No, no, confound it ! 

Dora. No, no ! I should think not indeed. And when I said — 
Oh, Frank ! — that I was sorry but we had not another spare room, 
he had the effrontery, the 

Frank. Yes— yes. Well? 

Dora. To say that it did not matter. They could — Oh, Frank ! 
— they could pig together in his room. 

Frank. Pig together ! 

Dora. He said so, I declare, and was going in again as if every- 
thing was settled. But I stopped him and told him that I could 
consent to nothing of the sort, that our small household was already 
put to much inconvenience, and I was going on when he inter- 
rupted me in the most unceremonious manner by saying that {imi- 
tating accent) his thried friend, Mr. O'Toole, was the most regular 
man aloive, was not the smallest throuble to a sowl, and as for 
quoitness, ye might hear a pin dhrop if Mr. O'Toole was within 
twenty miles of ye. 

Frank. Quietness ! What has his quietness to do with — [cornet 
heard, L., playing " Home, sweet home" out of tune) — What in the 
world's that? Why.it is in the house. Someone is blowing 
trumpets in the house. 

Dora. Of course ; it's those two dreadful men. 

Frank, [ringing furiously) Who? O' Golly and his friend ? They 
can't have the insolence to — (re-enter Mary, with a note on salver) 
What is this incredible din ? Eh ? What is it? 

Mary, [offering note, which he takes mechanically) Oh, sir, [gig- 
ling) The Major and the — the other gentleman are blowing a horn 
— beautiful ! Exit quickly, as if to hear better, C. 

Frank. Blowing a horn! In my house ! Do you hear? 

Dora. How can I help it, Frank ? My only consolation is that 
they must blow the roof off soon, and I've heard that even an 
Irishman will leave a house when that happens. 

Frank. And, by George ! if ever there was a case for eviction 
this is one. [walking room angrily) I've borne this long enough. 
[opens note hastily) Hallo ! Jack Trevor ! [aside) Jack Trevor it is. 
[reads) " Up in town — be with you any moment — stop at home." 
By Jove ! This settles the matter. My dear, I've just received a 
letter from Jack Trevor. 

Dora. Trevor ! Mr. Trevor ! 

Frank. Yes, he will be here directly and will stay. Now for 
Major O' Golly, [gets to door) I'll be hanged if he shan't go now. 

Exit, C. 

Dora. No, stay, Frank ! There, he's gone ! He will certainly 



1 8 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

send him away this time, and I shall be obliged to have that odious 
Mr. Trevor, reeking with his treacherous desertion of Sophie — No 
— I cannot — I really cannot. He shall never stay in any house 
where I am mistress. 

Enter, Mary, c. ; gets l. of Dora. 

Mary. A telegram for you, ma'am. 

Dora. Forme! [takes it; exit Mary ; she opens telegram) Why, 
it's from Sophie herself, [reads) "Don't go out — wait forme — 
shall be with you immediately — something to tell you." How 
charming if she would only come first so that if Frank really sends 
Major O'Golly away I could ask her to stay before Mr. Trevor 
comes. And so she will. " Immediately," she says. Oh ! every- 
thing is coming right after all. 

Enter, Frank, c. 

Dora. Is he gone, Frank? 

Frank. Gone ! No, by Jove ! 

Dora. Not gone ! Does he say he won't go? 

Frank. No, he doesn't say so, confound him ! but he won't 
understand me though I let him have it through the keyhole, I can 
tell you. 

Dora. Through the keyhole ! 

Frank. Yes — he'd locked himself in with his friend O'Toole, and 
I gave him my opinion in the strongest language I could find. 

Dora. And is that all you gave him ? 

Frank. What else could I give him through the keyhole ? But 
Trevor will be here directly ; he is a barrister, you know. I shall 
ask him about it. Besides, it's his bedroom. 

Dora. His bedroom ! Oh ! as to that, Frank, I don't know — 
I've just had a telegram from Sophie to say that she will be here 
immediately, and of course she must stop. 

Frank, [aside) I'll be hanged if she does! [aloud) But Trevor, 
my love! I have promised — and as he will be here first, my pet — 
[showing letter) — for you see he says " any moment." 

Dora, [showing telegram) But didn't I explain, my dearest love ? 
She says "immediately." 

Frank, [sharply) But he says " stop at home." 

Dora. And she says " don't go out." 

Frank, [aside) By gad ! Then it's which ever comes first, [knock 
at front door) 

Dora. There ! There's a cab now — [runnmg to window) — a 
cab with a quantity of luggage. Oh ! it must be Sophie — I'm sure 
it's Sophie, [coming back, joyfully) 

Frank, [aside) Confound Sophie ! she shan't stay here. I must 
stop it. [aloud) Look here, Dora ; I don't want to be disagreeable, 
but — but I object to that girl staying here. 

Dora. What girl ? 



A CASE FOR EVICTION. 1 9 

Frank. Well — Sophie Crumples. 

Dora, {coldly) Why? 

Frank. Because she treated Trevor so badly. 

Dora. It was he who treated her badly, on the contrary. 

Frank. Why, he offered to marry her. I don't know what more 
he could have done. 

Dora. He could have offered again. He knew she didn't mean 
it. A man really in love wouldn't be frightened at one repulse. 

Frank. A woman really in love wouldn't inflict one repulse. 
You didn't. 

Dora. I ! Oh ! . . I ! One must speak frankly to a doctor or 
it's no good fetching him. Then you forbid my asking Sophie to 
stay? 

Frank, [sullenly] I don't want to put it in that way, but I'd 
rather she didn't. 

Dora. Well, then, if you ask Mr. Trevor I shall go home to 
mamma. I'd sooner have anybody in the world in the house than 
that man. 

Frank. And I'd sooner have anybody in the world in the house 
than that girl. 

Enter, Mary, c. d. 

Dora. ) ,, ., s I'd sooner have 

Frank. } V°& ther ) I'd sooner have 

Mary. Mrs. Major O'Golly ! 
They stagger back to different sides of the room; a pause of horror. 

Both. Who? Mrs. ? 

Mary. Mrs. Major O'Golly, ma'am. In the dining-room, 
ma'am. 

Dora. In the dining-room? That man's wife ? 

Mary. Yes, ma'am ; inquiring for the Major, and drinking the 
sherry. 

Frank. What ! Not already ? 

Mary. Yes, sir, and lots of luggage, [drops into chair) 

Dora, {drops into chair) Luggage! Oh! Coming to stop ! Oh! 
Frank ! {covers her face with her hands) 

Frank. I won't have that luggage brought into the house — not a 
bandbox of it. Run, Mary, quick. 

Mary. Yes, sir ; but I must tell the Major. (Dora is weeping) 

Exit, C. 

Dora, [looking up and speaking in a hollow, absent voice) Frank, 
is the house insured? 

Frank. Yes, certainly. 

Dora. Then let us set fire to it ; it's the only way to get rid of 
them, I'm certain. 

Frank. Don't be absurd, Dolly. 

Dora. To think that we were disputing about other visitors com- 



20 A CASE FOR EVICTION. 

ing, when — Oh ! I'll never quarrel with you again, Frank ! Oh ! 
oh! 

Frank. There, Dora ! Don't cry ; go and lie down for a while 
and leave me to — (enter Mary, crying, c.) You crying too? 
What on earth's the matter with you ? 

Mary. Nothing, sir ; only I didn't think I should have felt it so 
much. 

Frank. Felt what? Look here, tell Major O'Golly that I will 
not 

Mary, Major O'Golly' s gone ! {sod) 

Frank. Gone ! 

Dora, {springing up) Gone ! 

Frank. Gone ! without our hearing him ! Impossible ! 

Mary. No, sir. The Major no sooner heard that Mrs. O'Golly 
was in the house than he took the small hand-bag that holds his 
luggage, sir, and crept down stairs with his friend as quiet as two 
cats, slipped out of the front door and was gone ! {sobbing) 

Dora. Gone ! without his wife ! 

Frank. Gone and left that woman behind! {noise of door, R. ; 
runs to window) No, no! There she goes — there she goes flying 
down the street like a mad thing. I wouldn't be Major O'Golly 
if she catches him. Run, run, Mary, and lock the front door 
quick ! 

Mary. Yes, sir. 

Dora. And put the chain up, quick ! 

Mary. Yes, ma'am; but the visitors? 

Dora. What visitors ? 

Mary. Mr. and Mrs. Trevor in the drawing-room. 

5 ora ; I Mr. and Mrs. Trevor ! 
Frank. J 

Mary. Yes, ma'am ; Miss Crumples that was. 

Dora. What, are they married after all ? 

Mary. Yes, ma'am. 

Frank. What, both of them ? I mean, to each other ? 

Mary. Yes, sir. 

Dora. There ! He must have asked her again. Oh ! that deaf- 
Mr. Trevor ! 

Frank. And she didn't jilt him this time. Oh ! that charming 
Sophie ! 

Dora. Oh! Frank, how all our difficulties seem to vanish the 
moment Major O'Golly's gone ! We can ask them both to stay, 
can't we ? 

Frank. Eh ? * . . Why of course we can. We'll have the 
pair of them, and I hope they will stop till 

Dora. Till we think it another Case for Eviction. 

CURTAIN. 



H. THEYRE SMITH'S PLAYS. 

Price, 1 5 Cents Each. 

A CASE FOR EVICTION. One male and two female characters— light comedian, 
lady comedian and servant. Interior scene ; modern costumes ; time of playing, 
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CUT OFF WITH A SHILLING. Two male and one female characters- 
juvenile man, old man and lady comedian. Scene, a sitting-room ; modern cos- 
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MY LORD IN LIVERY. Four male and three female characters— light comedian, 
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UNCLE'S WILL. Two male and one female characters — juvenile lead, old man 
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good, bad and indifferent, purchasers will consult their own interests, when order- 
ing, by specifying Roorbach's edition. _JgJ 

HAROLD ROOBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St, New York 



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